I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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