I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
