soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
