i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
