i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
