the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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