Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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