Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
