you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize