Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
