Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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