so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
