update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I am mentally ready for anal.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
