I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
