I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
