guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
