Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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