South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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