I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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