We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize