Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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