Well douche your snatch and let's go!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
