i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
