would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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