a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize