1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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