She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
