i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
