I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
