Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
