what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
