Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
