Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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