I think i peed on brittanys purse
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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