Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
