what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
