Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
