Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
