Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
