I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
