Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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