So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
