just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
