you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize