Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
we should paint friendship bongs
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