that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
