Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize