me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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