She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize