my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
