just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
