I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
