fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
