I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
