My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
