I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
