this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dignity is for republicans.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
