I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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