you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
