if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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