i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
