Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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