thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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