Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
